I had a recent development in which I realized I was more nonbinary than a binary man, and that I wanted to dry presenting more femininely again. This led me to thinking about my gender more and how it's changed over the years. I thought it might be interesting to ramble about :)
When I was a child I don't think I really cared about gender too much. I was pretty happy doing girly things, I liked playing dress up and with LPS toys and stuffed animals. As I started to grow up and become more aware of my body, complications arised- I was super self-conscious about the way I looked. I felt too fat, and I didn't like any of my clothes. I also *hated* hearing my voice in videos and such. I've never liked my voice. Around 11? 12? I started to have thoughts like "I wish I was born a boy", and "I hate my chest" (as it was growing). I started learning and playing around with labels like demigirl, nonbinary, genderfluid. I would draw different "ideal selves", like me but taller, with different hair, or even facial hair. On online circles i'd play around using different pronouns.
I can't really remember much about which identities i'd label myself as and when, and in which order. I know when I was 13 I had accepted myself as trans and was trying to figure out a name for myself. It was ... when I saw the 1st sonic movie in theatres, and I saw tails come onto the post-credits scene, where I was like "holy shit!! miles...." and it ended up sticking LMAO. I think I came out to my friends at around 14 years old? and to my parents at 15? bro idek.
Anyways, I've always been a bit gender non-conforming. As soon as I could I started to dress weirder. I really liked the scene style for a while. So I'd dress in feminine colors or lots of kandi and sometimes skirts. Even in sophmore and senior year I'd occassionaly wear like a long skirt..and I was going by my chosen name and pronouns when I could in that period!
I guess it wasn't until I was 18 or 19 that I started strictly IDing as a man? Now that I'm thinking back I've always been on the nonbinary spectrum and I've only identified as a strict he/him man for a relatively short amount of time. I guess it might have been a mix of getting on testosterone, coming out to extended family, and being more Socially Transitioned I guess that made me feel like I had to perform more masculinely. I mean, at the time I had wanted to be more masculine as well, so it wasn't really performing? It just felt right!
After I dropped out of college, my voice had dropped a bit more by then and I ended up getting a job end of February/early March. I was going by my birth name as it was just less of a hassle, and to my extreme surprise the manager who hired me, and all my coworkers, just thought I was a guy and called me "he"! And I'd even get "sir'ed" by the customers! It felt like a dream. This further solidified my identity as Just a Man because this was the position I had found myself in. Which wasn't a bad thing by any means. I got more used to my birth name, more confident in myself, and was making friends who viewed me as a cis guy!!
And then I started to hang out with my coworkers after work. They're all girls, and hanging out with them made me realize I do kind of prefer hanging out with women compared to the majority of men. I felt comfortable to be myself around them more, and was openly queer.
One of them, who is also queer, figured out I was trans and didn't treat me any differently. Which felt really nice. She entertained my feminine side, and even did my nails!! She really wanted to see me in a skirt and I was like "lol okay. i just need to get one" so I did and we wore matching (ish) skirts to work LOL. It was fun and I was like Wait. I remember now that I think skirts are fun!!! Suddenly I felt more comfortable being girly. So yeah ^_^
Looking back, I never really had much social dysphoria. There were occassions where being referred to as "she" hurt, but I never really cared if I was grouped in as a girl or called feminine nicknames (ex. miss, ma'am, sweetie). It was all pretty physical. But now that I've been on T for some time I feel much better in my skin, even if there's still things I want to work on. I feel pretty feminine as of late and might even get off T now that I've gotten what I want out of it.
It's made me feel a bit guilty to get back in touch with my feminine side like this. Like I've been "faking" or "confused". But I just have a shifting sense of self, and it's not like I regret transitioning in any way. I wouldn't change how I went about it at all. And I still want top surgery, which hopefully I'll get eventually..! But I feel bad for being "confusing". I like when strangers have to guess my gender but I don't want my family to judge, or not know what to do.
But yeah that's about it. I guess I'll just be myself and try not to care what others think :) I think genderfluid could accurately describe me.