I feel like I've lost my spark. I've felt like this for a while. When I refer to a 'spark', I mean a creative drive. Motivation. A desire to make and do things.
Don't get me wrong, I want to do things. I guess it's just a lack of interest? Or I don't have the energy to care or actually do anything. I have aspirations. I have all of these art supplies that I wish I could use. But I just feel Stuck. When I actually have the day to myself and the opportunity to start something I just sit around instead. It'll take me a few minutes to snap out of it and try to do something with my time, which in this case is to complain about my ridiculous problems instead of doing something.
Everything just takes so much effort to do. I can't even wind down and relax. I don't know how, or nothing seems appealing, and/or I don't feel like it. I'm so tired of feeling this way. All I can get myself to do is go to work.
My brain and body feel so sluggish. Even when I'm able to get myself to do art, I barely know what to draw or do. I have no ideas, no creativity. I'll have random moments where I want to get something done, but most of the time these moments happen when I'm unable to do anything about it.
I have internal pressure on myself to be Productive and Create Art on my free time. I need to be doing something, something that'll be meaningful for my future, so I can improve my art then start commissions and do good in college and be able to make a living someday. Because if I don't have art/graphic design what else do I have. I don't have anything else I could call a passion or hobby, or interest that I could make a career out of, and I can barely even call art one right now.
I don't know how to fix this. I've been on different meds, my current ones are either at the highest or reccomended dose, and I don't see my prescriber for like another month and a half. I started taking these d3 and magnesium pills my mom gave me again because I'm just desperate for a solution. I genuinely don't know what to do!! It's not situational depression, there's no exterior factors, so it has to be something with my brain. Which is stupid and pathetic because I have it so good and I can't even be bothered to do anything with my life because oh noo he doesn't feel like it.
I don't know. I hate to bring something negative onto my site. I'll probably delete this entry at some point. I hate this.